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ataniell93 via paigedayspring:
Warning - many fantasy sci-fi crossovers included.
Distilling poteen is not an acceptable "extra credit" activity for Potions. Nor in Care of Magical Creatures even if Hagrid is teaching it.
If caught distilling poteen, I must not allow Professor Snape to take it back to the Staff Common Room "to be disposed of in a non-wasteful manner." The faculty here is nutty enough without hangovers.
Herbology class is about magical herbs and fungi, so I should quit asking Professor Sprout about peyote plants, opium poppies, or sinsemilla.
I must not be caught growing cannabis in the Hogwarts greenhouses. (Besides, Professor Dumbledore bogarted it all---the fink)
I am to call the new DADA professor "Professor Umbridge" or "ma'am," not "Godzilla," "Bride of Frankenstein," or other references to Muggle monster movies.
I may also not call Professor Umbridge "Frau Himmler," "Ilse Koch," "Nurse Rached," or "Stalin-in-drag." Even though Professor Snape laughed himself nearly sick when he heard that last one.
When casting Tarot cards, I must always deal from the top of the deck.
It is mean to take advantage of people with no common sense, so persuading Luna Lovegood, Lavender Brown, the Patil twins and Professor Trelawney to join me in a friendly game of strip-Tarocchi is something I should not do.
Skinny-dipping in the lake is not advisable. Especially since some idiot disposed of excess love potion near the squid's lair. We have no idea who that was.
Even though we're beyond the reach of most Muggle law here, I am not allowed to build weapons of mass destruction.
The same goes for printing counterfeit British pounds, setting up organized-crime rings, and other things frowned on by Muggle law.
I may not tell students younger than myself that Professor Umbridge has "the Innsmouth Look." Lovecraft's story is fiction, and I would do well to remember that.
The same goes, just as above, for Luna Lovegood---even though she did think it was wonderfully funny to play along and let them hear her chanting hideous invocations to Father Dagon and Mother Hydra to come from the sea and devour Professor Umbridge. (But it's a good thing Hagrid came by and interrupted her. He saw a pattern of ripples on the lake even he didn't like.)
If it comes to my attention that Professor Umbridge has a huge crush on Professor Snape and is actively pursuing him, I am not to obtain Colin Creevey's camera and try to get pictures of her glomping him. (In any case, once Snape got loose, he blasted the camera to smithereens and told me that if I breathed one word he'd find a detention to put me on that would make Azkaban look like a Pampered-in-Pink weekend)
There is no such thing as a "page three witch" and I should not tell the girls that if they wish to be considered, they'll have to allow me to photograph them and send it in.
The Yule Ball is an occasion for dancing at, not sneaking off to snog in a little-used part of the castle--even if I do just happen to have the password to the Prefects' Bathroom.
Professor McGonagall is not old enough to have been in the Jacobite Rebellions, nor to have been the mother of Bonnie Prince Charlie's love-child, and I should stop telling the younger kids that she did.
Putting pictures of Professor Umbridge in full dominatrix regalia, punishing fellow-students, on the walls is sick and wrong and I should be thoroughly ashamed of myself.
Dosing the Dursleys' morning tea with LSD is utterly unacceptable behavior.
I will respond politely when Professor Snape, in reference to the above, asks why I didn't use cyanide, instead of giving him my nastiest sneer and snarling "Corpses don't suffer, sir!"
Dobby does not need to be reading the Communist Manifesto, or literature from the IWW, or anything else designed to make him less content with his lot.
Winky does not "just need a good lay." Neither does Professor Snape--or anybody else at Hogwarts, especially me (by order of the Headmaster).
The Weasley twins are a bad example, not a standard to be surpassed.
I am not to bring the Necronomicon, the Pnakotic Manuscripts, the Ponape Scripture, De Vermis Mysteriis, or any other book mentioned in the "Cthulhu Mythos" stories along when I "want a little light reading."
I am not to magically alter other students' essays so that, after the first paragraph or so, they turn into long, explicit excerpts from Victorian and Edwardian erotic novels. Even though I did win a bet by making Professor Snape smile.
Transfiguring Professor Umbridge's clothes into an SS uniform, KGB uniform, or dominatrix gear is absolutely right straight out. That last one nearly gave the rest of the faculty a heart attack.
I could not make my reputation in the field of psychiatry by analyzing the Hogwarts faculty and curing them.
The boy's name is "Draco Malfoy," not "Drag-boy Mad-fey," or anything like that. While I'm at it, his sidekicks are Crabbe and Goyle, not The Stones-that-Speak.
When Professor Flitwick asks me who I most admire, I should mention Merlin or Paracelsus, not Friedlander Bey (from When Gravity Fails), Vito Corleone, or Sauron.
When the subject of career goals comes up, I should not say that my goal is "to crush my enemies, drive them before me, and hear the lamentations of their wounded." Especially when I do that in a Schwarzenegger voice. Professor Flitwick gets nervous when I do that, for some odd reason.
Professor Snape's grooming habits are his own business, and suggesting that he could do with stopping in at Sweeney Todd's Tonsorial Parlor in Fleet Street (right above Mrs. Lovett's Pies) for a do-over was a Very, Very Bad Idea. Especially since it turns out that he's a Sondheim fan too.
J. Wellington Wells is a character in a silly Muggle theatrical entertainment, not a person I should tell people I seek to emulate.
Calling Professor Dumbledore out for a wizards' duel when he suggested that I could do with a little more conventional magic, and a lot less of the works of Abd al-Azrad, in my homework was a Very, Very Bad Idea. I'm supposed to be a Ravenclaw, not an idiot Gryffindor!
Cornelius Fudge's title is "Minister of Magic," not "Dear Leader," "Supreme Comrade," "Fearless Leader," "Duce," "Fuhrer," or "Ascended Master."
Not allowed to join any fraternity. Not allowed to start any fraternity.
Especially not allowed to start up Delta Tau Chi.
"Toga parties" are not a good activity.
Even if you promise to speak only in Latin during them.
Not allowed to recruit for the Hells Angels.
Not allowed to start a chapter of the Hells Angels.
When Professor Dumbledore enters a room, I am not to blow the "Imperial Salute" from I, Claudius on a kazoo.
Not allowed to send Voldemort on a wild-goose chase to North Korea (Hey, how was I to know that he and Kim Jong-il would hit it off like long-lost brothers?)
When Professor Umbridge enters the room, the proper response by me and my classmates is "Good morning, Professor Umbridge," not snapping to attention, throwing out our right arms in the Fascist salute, and giving her three hearty "Sieg Heils."
Also not allowed to teach Peeves songs like "Tomorrow Belongs to Me" to serenade Professor Umbridge with as she goes down the halls.
My copy of Luttwak's manual on Coup d'Etat is to stay at home.
Not allowed to teach house-elves to talk like Gollum. Especially Kreacher.
Not allowed to proclaim "Speak Nadsat Day." (But, O my brothers and only friends, if Your Humble Narrator may not govoreet in like Nadsat, what slovos may he use? Lewdies here at the Hogwarts skolliwoll already think my like Yank yazhick makes them feel like they're about to sick up.)
Not allowed to turn in my homework written in Volapuk, Gothic, or any other extremely obscure language, just to show off how much more I know.
Even if I do know the man, introducing Flashman to my female classmates is a Bad Idea.
Professor Trelawney does not spend the summers working as a Muggle carny in a travelling show, and I should not tell younger students that she does.
I am not to get in touch with my Inner Bastard.
Cossack dancing, Hagrid, and vodka---bad combination!
Same, as above, for Hagrid, Irish whiskey, Irish rebel songs, and the Irish jig.
Not allowed to "borrow" the thestrals, even if it's dead easy.
If I've already "borrowed" the thestrals, not allowed to buzz Hogsmeade. (Brings back traumatic memories when a really drunk adolescent Lucius Malfoy did it, too.)
If buzzing Hogsmeade, absolutely not allowed to sing "Ho-yo-to-ho!" (Especially since Narcissa did it better, and hit the high note.)
Not allowed to show Draco Malfoy I, Claudius as "an introduction to Muggle culture." It gave him way too many good ideas.
Not allowed to show Blaise Zabini my DVDs of I, Claudius. Especially the parts about Caligula and Messalina. Even if his Grandfather did throw better parties.
Professor Umbridge did not write her autobiography. And if she had, it would not be called Triumph of the Will.
Cornelius Fudge is not having a submissive gay affair with Lucius Malfoy. It's the other way around.
We do not conduct rituals skyclad at Hogwarts. Even when it's sunny and nice outside.
C-4 and Potions class do not go together.
Professor Snape does not have a nude poster of Lucrezia Borgia on his wall.
Polyjuice Potion is not a toy. Neither is it to be used as an aid to cheating on O.W.L.s. Even if Crabbe and Goyle paid me lots to take their places. School is a place to learn, not a place to make money.
Not allowed to sing the school song to the tune of "The Horst Wessel Song," "The Internationale," or other anthems of evil regimes.
Voldemort does not have anything to do with Osama Bin Laden, and I should quit asking why they've never been photographed together.
Bart Simpson is not a good role-model.
Their colors are red and gold, but Gryffindor House has nothing to do with the international Communist movement.
Not allowed to use magic to make a "holodeck."
I may know how to do the Istanbul Twist, but demonstrating it on people who annoy me is forbidden.
Not allowed to rename anybody "Baldrick." Even Neville. Or Crabbe and Goyle.
Not allowed to race the Hogwarts Express in a Flying Ford Anglia.
If caught up in a big fight over prophecies in the Ministry of Magic, grabbing the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, letting on that I've got the prophecy and will throw it out to the Death Eaters, pulling the pin, counting three, and throwing it into their hands is Not Fighting Fair.
Aahz and Skeeve are not going to be visiting professors at Hogwarts. That was last year.
The Bavarian Illuminati do not have spies at Hogwarts. Neither do the Theosophical Mahatmas.
Introducing Professor Trelawney to the writings of Madame Helena Blavatsky was a Very, Very, Very Bad Idea.
Letting the Weasley twins read the writings of Abbie Hoffman was an Even Worse Idea.
Next time I capture a Death Eater, I will not tie him in a chair, clamp his eyelids open, and force him to watch X-rated movies starring Professor Umbridge, while playing rap music at high volume. Even though it was fun to hear him scream and beg for the Dementor's Kiss. "My mind! My mind! It's hurting my mind!"
When I've captured a Death Eater, force-feeding him Hagrid's cooking or British Rail cuisine is also Right Straight Out. What point to defeating the DEs if I become worse than them?
Ron Weasley does NOT look like Alfred E. Neuman. Nor does he resemble Alfred E. Neuman in any way, shape or form---even though pointing this out cracked Professor Snape up so badly that he was snickering for half an hour afterward.
Even though we sound wonderful, and can sing it in perfect four-part harmony, I am not to encourage my fellow Ravenclaws to sing "Send In The Clowns" when the other Quidditch team flies in.
This goes, even more, for the occasion when the new DADA teacher is introduced at the beginning of the year.
Singing "We Are The Champions" after OWLs and NEWTs every year may be truthful, but it upsets the residents of other, lesser Houses.
With the exception, of course, of Danger Granger (the Ravenclaw theory is that Dumbledore fiddled the hat to put her in Gryffindor for the sole purpose of keeping the House GPA above that of Hufflepuff).
Professor Umbridge may like it, but I am not to get people to intone "Darth Vader's Theme" when she enters the room. "I find your lack of respect...disturbing."
While our teachers love presents, a red shirt is not an appropriate gift for a DADA teacher, no matter what sort of casualty rate they are suffering.
Professor Snape does not appreciate my "Igor" act in Potions class. Even when I say I'm " Eye- gor."
I am not to issue challenges to Muggle schools to meet us on the Quidditch field. Especially when CalTech shows up with rocket packs and shotguns.
The Sex Pistols are NOT, repeat NOT, going to come to Hogsmeade to do a gig. (Sorry, Aberforth!)
Showing Little Shop of Horrors to Professor Sprout was a big mistake.
Creating the "Darwin Mark" in emulation of the Dark Mark, and firing it into the sky when someone does something spectacularly stupid that indicates that the gene pool would be improved by their absence from it, was sick and wrong. Even though Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape laughed themselves nearly sick when I explained what it was.
Baron Klaus Wulfenbach is not going to come to Hogwarts to teach Advanced Muggle Studies.
I am not allowed to create, or sell, perpetual-motion machines.
excessivelyperky: Besides, Arthur Weasley is broke anyway.
The Aes Sedai Oath Rod is not a toy, and I should not treat it as one. Even less is it to be used as a marital aid, no matter how many bad jokes I can make about it.
This also goes for the Bene Gesserit Gom Jabbar. "I hold at your neck the dreaded Kareem Abdul-Jabbar...if you pass this test, you are indeed the Kaffeeklatsch Haderach!"
Hermione Granger does not appreciate being compared to Alia Atreides.
Hagrid does NOT need a pet sandworm!
The Gray Mouser did not ever study at Hogwarts, and I should quit saying that he did.
While it is true that Fafhrd did spend a year or two at Hogwarts, I am not to remind Alastor Moody of this fact under any circumstances.
Switching out all of Lucius Malfoy's fine wines for muscatel, Thunderbird and MD 20-20 in look-alike bottles was very, very wrong.
Bathtubs are for bathing in, not for the production of bootleg gin.
Speaking of dancing, talking Luna Lovegood into doing the Dance of the Seven Veils on Student Talent Night was a Bad Idea---and now all the other girls in Hogwarts are out to kill me. (Luna's not angry, oddly enough---she's sort of floating around with a big, silly smile on her face, saying things like "Why didn't anybody ever tell me about this before?")
Raising the dead to be my eternal zombie slaves is not allowed, by order of the Hogsmeade Board of Health.
Samantha Wosserface (from Bewitched ) is NOT going to be the next DADA professor.
Gred-and-Forge do NOT need to attend Carnival in Rio, no matter how much they could add to the festivities. This also applies to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and Gay Pride in San Francisco.
I am not to loan ANY Weasley an Invisibility Cloak, a Tarnhelm, a ring of invisibility, or anything at all that will make them invisible. They're enough trouble when you can see them--but, honestly, was it my fault that Ginny started giggling in the boys' showers? I told her and told her that that Tarnhelm didn't make her inaudible...
The Slytherins do not need to make the acquaintance of the Aes Sedai. Or the Bene Gesserit.
Fixing Draco Malfoy up with Rhoda Penmark was a Bad, Bad Idea.
Professor Snape does not know how to make Joker Toxin, and if he did, I'd be the last person he'd tell.
I am no longer allowed to hand out Jack Chick tracts, especially those denouncing witchcraft.
If I notice Professor McGonagall taking a great interest in the pickled herring I got sent from home, I will share it. Crouching over it and hissing "Ours! We loves fisssh, doesn't we, my preciouss?" was very rude.
I am not allowed to bring popcorn to class---even if I did bring enough to share.
Polyjuicing myself into Lucius Malfoy and meeting up with Narcissa was extremely wrong.
When my infant relatives are visiting Hogwarts, allowing the girls to get into a big fight over which House they'll be Sorted into, ten years or so down the line, is Not Amusing---even though seeing them acting like bit actors in a barroom brawl is awfully funny.
Beating my teachers at chess is allowed. Crowing over it is not.
Spiking the opposing team's drink with a laxative before a Quidditch game is Not Funny. Particularly since I'm sitting in the stands below them, too.
When Firenze is teaching, I am not to refer to him as the Centaur of Attention. And when he's dining, I am not to warn people away, no matter how dangerous a feeding Firenze may be when at sea.
Calling Hermione Granger "Madame Defarge" when she's sitting around knitting hats was Not Too Smart. Neither was calling her a "knit-picker," or mistakenly calling her "Harmony." Those knitting needles are sharp.
Ronald McDonald is not the missing Weasley child, even though he does have red hair.
I have to admit, my favorite cross over experiences were the LOTR and Star Trek references. And of course, picturing Cal-Tech on rocket propelled brooms to play a Quidditch challenge was pretty amusing to imagine.
ataniell93 via paigedayspring:Warning - many fantasy sci-fi crossovers included.
Distilling poteen is not an acceptable "extra credit" activity for Potions. Nor in Care of Magical Creatures even if Hagrid is teaching it.
If caught distilling poteen, I must not allow Professor Snape to take it back to the Staff Common Room "to be disposed of in a non-wasteful manner." The faculty here is nutty enough without hangovers.
Herbology class is about magical herbs and fungi, so I should quit asking Professor Sprout about peyote plants, opium poppies, or sinsemilla.
I must not be caught growing cannabis in the Hogwarts greenhouses. (Besides, Professor Dumbledore bogarted it all---the fink)
I am to call the new DADA professor "Professor Umbridge" or "ma'am," not "Godzilla," "Bride of Frankenstein," or other references to Muggle monster movies.
I may also not call Professor Umbridge "Frau Himmler," "Ilse Koch," "Nurse Rached," or "Stalin-in-drag." Even though Professor Snape laughed himself nearly sick when he heard that last one.
When casting Tarot cards, I must always deal from the top of the deck.
It is mean to take advantage of people with no common sense, so persuading Luna Lovegood, Lavender Brown, the Patil twins and Professor Trelawney to join me in a friendly game of strip-Tarocchi is something I should not do.
Skinny-dipping in the lake is not advisable. Especially since some idiot disposed of excess love potion near the squid's lair. We have no idea who that was.
Even though we're beyond the reach of most Muggle law here, I am not allowed to build weapons of mass destruction.
The same goes for printing counterfeit British pounds, setting up organized-crime rings, and other things frowned on by Muggle law.
I may not tell students younger than myself that Professor Umbridge has "the Innsmouth Look." Lovecraft's story is fiction, and I would do well to remember that.
The same goes, just as above, for Luna Lovegood---even though she did think it was wonderfully funny to play along and let them hear her chanting hideous invocations to Father Dagon and Mother Hydra to come from the sea and devour Professor Umbridge. (But it's a good thing Hagrid came by and interrupted her. He saw a pattern of ripples on the lake even he didn't like.)
If it comes to my attention that Professor Umbridge has a huge crush on Professor Snape and is actively pursuing him, I am not to obtain Colin Creevey's camera and try to get pictures of her glomping him. (In any case, once Snape got loose, he blasted the camera to smithereens and told me that if I breathed one word he'd find a detention to put me on that would make Azkaban look like a Pampered-in-Pink weekend)
There is no such thing as a "page three witch" and I should not tell the girls that if they wish to be considered, they'll have to allow me to photograph them and send it in.
The Yule Ball is an occasion for dancing at, not sneaking off to snog in a little-used part of the castle--even if I do just happen to have the password to the Prefects' Bathroom.
Professor McGonagall is not old enough to have been in the Jacobite Rebellions, nor to have been the mother of Bonnie Prince Charlie's love-child, and I should stop telling the younger kids that she did.
Putting pictures of Professor Umbridge in full dominatrix regalia, punishing fellow-students, on the walls is sick and wrong and I should be thoroughly ashamed of myself.
Dosing the Dursleys' morning tea with LSD is utterly unacceptable behavior.
I will respond politely when Professor Snape, in reference to the above, asks why I didn't use cyanide, instead of giving him my nastiest sneer and snarling "Corpses don't suffer, sir!"
Dobby does not need to be reading the Communist Manifesto, or literature from the IWW, or anything else designed to make him less content with his lot.
Winky does not "just need a good lay." Neither does Professor Snape--or anybody else at Hogwarts, especially me (by order of the Headmaster).
The Weasley twins are a bad example, not a standard to be surpassed.
I am not to bring the Necronomicon, the Pnakotic Manuscripts, the Ponape Scripture, De Vermis Mysteriis, or any other book mentioned in the "Cthulhu Mythos" stories along when I "want a little light reading."
I am not to magically alter other students' essays so that, after the first paragraph or so, they turn into long, explicit excerpts from Victorian and Edwardian erotic novels. Even though I did win a bet by making Professor Snape smile.
Transfiguring Professor Umbridge's clothes into an SS uniform, KGB uniform, or dominatrix gear is absolutely right straight out. That last one nearly gave the rest of the faculty a heart attack.
I could not make my reputation in the field of psychiatry by analyzing the Hogwarts faculty and curing them.
The boy's name is "Draco Malfoy," not "Drag-boy Mad-fey," or anything like that. While I'm at it, his sidekicks are Crabbe and Goyle, not The Stones-that-Speak.
When Professor Flitwick asks me who I most admire, I should mention Merlin or Paracelsus, not Friedlander Bey (from When Gravity Fails), Vito Corleone, or Sauron.
When the subject of career goals comes up, I should not say that my goal is "to crush my enemies, drive them before me, and hear the lamentations of their wounded." Especially when I do that in a Schwarzenegger voice. Professor Flitwick gets nervous when I do that, for some odd reason.
Professor Snape's grooming habits are his own business, and suggesting that he could do with stopping in at Sweeney Todd's Tonsorial Parlor in Fleet Street (right above Mrs. Lovett's Pies) for a do-over was a Very, Very Bad Idea. Especially since it turns out that he's a Sondheim fan too.
J. Wellington Wells is a character in a silly Muggle theatrical entertainment, not a person I should tell people I seek to emulate.
Calling Professor Dumbledore out for a wizards' duel when he suggested that I could do with a little more conventional magic, and a lot less of the works of Abd al-Azrad, in my homework was a Very, Very Bad Idea. I'm supposed to be a Ravenclaw, not an idiot Gryffindor!
Cornelius Fudge's title is "Minister of Magic," not "Dear Leader," "Supreme Comrade," "Fearless Leader," "Duce," "Fuhrer," or "Ascended Master."
Not allowed to join any fraternity. Not allowed to start any fraternity.
Especially not allowed to start up Delta Tau Chi.
"Toga parties" are not a good activity.
Even if you promise to speak only in Latin during them.
Not allowed to recruit for the Hells Angels.
Not allowed to start a chapter of the Hells Angels.
When Professor Dumbledore enters a room, I am not to blow the "Imperial Salute" from I, Claudius on a kazoo.
Not allowed to send Voldemort on a wild-goose chase to North Korea (Hey, how was I to know that he and Kim Jong-il would hit it off like long-lost brothers?)
When Professor Umbridge enters the room, the proper response by me and my classmates is "Good morning, Professor Umbridge," not snapping to attention, throwing out our right arms in the Fascist salute, and giving her three hearty "Sieg Heils."
Also not allowed to teach Peeves songs like "Tomorrow Belongs to Me" to serenade Professor Umbridge with as she goes down the halls.
My copy of Luttwak's manual on Coup d'Etat is to stay at home.
Not allowed to teach house-elves to talk like Gollum. Especially Kreacher.
Not allowed to proclaim "Speak Nadsat Day." (But, O my brothers and only friends, if Your Humble Narrator may not govoreet in like Nadsat, what slovos may he use? Lewdies here at the Hogwarts skolliwoll already think my like Yank yazhick makes them feel like they're about to sick up.)
Not allowed to turn in my homework written in Volapuk, Gothic, or any other extremely obscure language, just to show off how much more I know.
Even if I do know the man, introducing Flashman to my female classmates is a Bad Idea.
Professor Trelawney does not spend the summers working as a Muggle carny in a travelling show, and I should not tell younger students that she does.
I am not to get in touch with my Inner Bastard.
Cossack dancing, Hagrid, and vodka---bad combination!
Same, as above, for Hagrid, Irish whiskey, Irish rebel songs, and the Irish jig.
Not allowed to "borrow" the thestrals, even if it's dead easy.
If I've already "borrowed" the thestrals, not allowed to buzz Hogsmeade. (Brings back traumatic memories when a really drunk adolescent Lucius Malfoy did it, too.)
If buzzing Hogsmeade, absolutely not allowed to sing "Ho-yo-to-ho!" (Especially since Narcissa did it better, and hit the high note.)
Not allowed to show Draco Malfoy I, Claudius as "an introduction to Muggle culture." It gave him way too many good ideas.
Not allowed to show Blaise Zabini my DVDs of I, Claudius. Especially the parts about Caligula and Messalina. Even if his Grandfather did throw better parties.
Professor Umbridge did not write her autobiography. And if she had, it would not be called Triumph of the Will.
Cornelius Fudge is not having a submissive gay affair with Lucius Malfoy. It's the other way around.
We do not conduct rituals skyclad at Hogwarts. Even when it's sunny and nice outside.
C-4 and Potions class do not go together.
Professor Snape does not have a nude poster of Lucrezia Borgia on his wall.
Polyjuice Potion is not a toy. Neither is it to be used as an aid to cheating on O.W.L.s. Even if Crabbe and Goyle paid me lots to take their places. School is a place to learn, not a place to make money.
Not allowed to sing the school song to the tune of "The Horst Wessel Song," "The Internationale," or other anthems of evil regimes.
Voldemort does not have anything to do with Osama Bin Laden, and I should quit asking why they've never been photographed together.
Bart Simpson is not a good role-model.
Their colors are red and gold, but Gryffindor House has nothing to do with the international Communist movement.
Not allowed to use magic to make a "holodeck."
I may know how to do the Istanbul Twist, but demonstrating it on people who annoy me is forbidden.
Not allowed to rename anybody "Baldrick." Even Neville. Or Crabbe and Goyle.
Not allowed to race the Hogwarts Express in a Flying Ford Anglia.
If caught up in a big fight over prophecies in the Ministry of Magic, grabbing the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, letting on that I've got the prophecy and will throw it out to the Death Eaters, pulling the pin, counting three, and throwing it into their hands is Not Fighting Fair.
Aahz and Skeeve are not going to be visiting professors at Hogwarts. That was last year.
The Bavarian Illuminati do not have spies at Hogwarts. Neither do the Theosophical Mahatmas.
Introducing Professor Trelawney to the writings of Madame Helena Blavatsky was a Very, Very, Very Bad Idea.
Letting the Weasley twins read the writings of Abbie Hoffman was an Even Worse Idea.
Next time I capture a Death Eater, I will not tie him in a chair, clamp his eyelids open, and force him to watch X-rated movies starring Professor Umbridge, while playing rap music at high volume. Even though it was fun to hear him scream and beg for the Dementor's Kiss. "My mind! My mind! It's hurting my mind!"
When I've captured a Death Eater, force-feeding him Hagrid's cooking or British Rail cuisine is also Right Straight Out. What point to defeating the DEs if I become worse than them?
Ron Weasley does NOT look like Alfred E. Neuman. Nor does he resemble Alfred E. Neuman in any way, shape or form---even though pointing this out cracked Professor Snape up so badly that he was snickering for half an hour afterward.
Even though we sound wonderful, and can sing it in perfect four-part harmony, I am not to encourage my fellow Ravenclaws to sing "Send In The Clowns" when the other Quidditch team flies in.
This goes, even more, for the occasion when the new DADA teacher is introduced at the beginning of the year.
Singing "We Are The Champions" after OWLs and NEWTs every year may be truthful, but it upsets the residents of other, lesser Houses.
With the exception, of course, of Danger Granger (the Ravenclaw theory is that Dumbledore fiddled the hat to put her in Gryffindor for the sole purpose of keeping the House GPA above that of Hufflepuff).
Professor Umbridge may like it, but I am not to get people to intone "Darth Vader's Theme" when she enters the room. "I find your lack of respect...disturbing."
While our teachers love presents, a red shirt is not an appropriate gift for a DADA teacher, no matter what sort of casualty rate they are suffering.
Professor Snape does not appreciate my "Igor" act in Potions class. Even when I say I'm " Eye- gor."
I am not to issue challenges to Muggle schools to meet us on the Quidditch field. Especially when CalTech shows up with rocket packs and shotguns.
The Sex Pistols are NOT, repeat NOT, going to come to Hogsmeade to do a gig. (Sorry, Aberforth!)
Showing Little Shop of Horrors to Professor Sprout was a big mistake.
Creating the "Darwin Mark" in emulation of the Dark Mark, and firing it into the sky when someone does something spectacularly stupid that indicates that the gene pool would be improved by their absence from it, was sick and wrong. Even though Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape laughed themselves nearly sick when I explained what it was.
Baron Klaus Wulfenbach is not going to come to Hogwarts to teach Advanced Muggle Studies.
I am not allowed to create, or sell, perpetual-motion machines.
excessivelyperky: Besides, Arthur Weasley is broke anyway.
The Aes Sedai Oath Rod is not a toy, and I should not treat it as one. Even less is it to be used as a marital aid, no matter how many bad jokes I can make about it.
This also goes for the Bene Gesserit Gom Jabbar. "I hold at your neck the dreaded Kareem Abdul-Jabbar...if you pass this test, you are indeed the Kaffeeklatsch Haderach!"
Hermione Granger does not appreciate being compared to Alia Atreides.
Hagrid does NOT need a pet sandworm!
The Gray Mouser did not ever study at Hogwarts, and I should quit saying that he did.
While it is true that Fafhrd did spend a year or two at Hogwarts, I am not to remind Alastor Moody of this fact under any circumstances.
Switching out all of Lucius Malfoy's fine wines for muscatel, Thunderbird and MD 20-20 in look-alike bottles was very, very wrong.
Bathtubs are for bathing in, not for the production of bootleg gin.
Speaking of dancing, talking Luna Lovegood into doing the Dance of the Seven Veils on Student Talent Night was a Bad Idea---and now all the other girls in Hogwarts are out to kill me. (Luna's not angry, oddly enough---she's sort of floating around with a big, silly smile on her face, saying things like "Why didn't anybody ever tell me about this before?")
Raising the dead to be my eternal zombie slaves is not allowed, by order of the Hogsmeade Board of Health.
Samantha Wosserface (from Bewitched ) is NOT going to be the next DADA professor.
Gred-and-Forge do NOT need to attend Carnival in Rio, no matter how much they could add to the festivities. This also applies to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and Gay Pride in San Francisco.
I am not to loan ANY Weasley an Invisibility Cloak, a Tarnhelm, a ring of invisibility, or anything at all that will make them invisible. They're enough trouble when you can see them--but, honestly, was it my fault that Ginny started giggling in the boys' showers? I told her and told her that that Tarnhelm didn't make her inaudible...
The Slytherins do not need to make the acquaintance of the Aes Sedai. Or the Bene Gesserit.
Fixing Draco Malfoy up with Rhoda Penmark was a Bad, Bad Idea.
Professor Snape does not know how to make Joker Toxin, and if he did, I'd be the last person he'd tell.
I am no longer allowed to hand out Jack Chick tracts, especially those denouncing witchcraft.
If I notice Professor McGonagall taking a great interest in the pickled herring I got sent from home, I will share it. Crouching over it and hissing "Ours! We loves fisssh, doesn't we, my preciouss?" was very rude.
I am not allowed to bring popcorn to class---even if I did bring enough to share.
Polyjuicing myself into Lucius Malfoy and meeting up with Narcissa was extremely wrong.
When my infant relatives are visiting Hogwarts, allowing the girls to get into a big fight over which House they'll be Sorted into, ten years or so down the line, is Not Amusing---even though seeing them acting like bit actors in a barroom brawl is awfully funny.
Beating my teachers at chess is allowed. Crowing over it is not.
Spiking the opposing team's drink with a laxative before a Quidditch game is Not Funny. Particularly since I'm sitting in the stands below them, too.
When Firenze is teaching, I am not to refer to him as the Centaur of Attention. And when he's dining, I am not to warn people away, no matter how dangerous a feeding Firenze may be when at sea.
Calling Hermione Granger "Madame Defarge" when she's sitting around knitting hats was Not Too Smart. Neither was calling her a "knit-picker," or mistakenly calling her "Harmony." Those knitting needles are sharp.
Ronald McDonald is not the missing Weasley child, even though he does have red hair.
I have to admit, my favorite cross over experiences were the LOTR and Star Trek references. And of course, picturing Cal-Tech on rocket propelled brooms to play a Quidditch challenge was pretty amusing to imagine.
