Still Searching, Still Hoping
May. 11th, 2016 08:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
semiotic_pirateRight now, I'm in the process of searching for a new job. I want to continue in the field I'm in, but the job opportunities in my area are thin on the ground. There's way more jobs of the type I'm looking for in NYC or other big cities; however, moving to one of those places is not an option. So I have to wait and apply like crazy when something comes up in my area. I've gotten lucky recently, I've been able to not only apply for three places and get asked in to interview for all three.
Company One: Been talking with them for three months. They're in a big (for them) expansion. It's taking a lot longer for them to get the higher priority (to them) positions filled and they are (rightly so) taking it very slow to make sure they are choosing the right people. Unfortunately, the position I'm applying for is nearly at the bottom of the priority list. In addition, they're handling the whole process for the entire expansion through a recruiting service. So, I had 2-3 phone interviews with the recruiter, then an in-person with the recruiter, then a month went by with radio silence. Then it was an in-person 4.5 hour serial set of interviews with six people at the company. That went extremely well and the person who would be my immediate supervisor wanted to just forego a second interview and start the ball rolling. Recruiter was really excited to hear this. Then: more radio silence. It's been about two weeks since that super awesome interview. At this point, I don't know if I should write them off as a closed door b/c I already did that once and then I got that in-person at the company. Slow, slow, slow moving (which is on par with the bureaucracy that they deal with in their processes, which makes the inner weirdo think that THIS IS PART OF THE INTERVIEW PROCESS) glacially paced procedure.
Company Two: Had applied to this position last year. Got a very flattering email saying that they had received my application just after they'd made their offer to another applicant. They had just had someone leave and I was the first person they thought of and wanted me to come in for an interview. Got in there at an inconvenient time for me. I was prepared... they were NOT. They expected to have me meet three people and only spend a 1/2 hour with each person. Not only that, they didn't allow for any flexibility with that schedule. So when I talked with the head of the department (who was as nervous as a new recruit at the initial introduction to a drill sergeant) for over an hour, all they could think of was double up with the last two and one of those was very aggressive with psychological questions after saying she would be just be introducing me to the benefits and so forth as the HR person as part of a wrap up... yeaaaaah. I didn't really feel like I clicked with any of them, or the culture. I stayed calm, cool, collected, and they all kept getting more nervous and restless. And when the aggressive one asked me the question about what I'd be expecting as a salary, I actually gave them something slightly lower than what I'd be offered by Company One and the shock of that distracted them from even getting to the explanation of their benefits. By that point they just wanted to hustle me out the door b/c it was waaaay after their bedtime.
Company Three: A much bigger fish, in a much bigger pond. I applied b/c the position sounded really great, and I knew that there would be exposure to new things and a career path (two things that are very much lacking where I am now). I wasn't sure if the culture would be a good fit. I'm sooooo glad I applied. The culture of this particular work group, in this particular location feels like an excellent fit. I over prepared b/c Glass Door was all like "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL QUESTIONS, ZOMG!!!!11!" and although this did me good for a variety of reasons, it wasn't how it went down at all. Like Company One, it was a very conversationally based interview. It was really nice. Although the first contact with the HR person was a little surreal (partly due to my having a splitting headache while going through it) the second HR contact was helpful and very nice, the person who met me as gatekeeper to the location was helpful and very nice, the four people I was scheduled to meet were amazingly nice, informative, and it felt great. It felt like I could work with these people on a daily basis easily. Big boss had hand picked me out of the group and tagged first HR guy to contact me; we spent much longer than scheduled talking. Second person had had contact with me from a few years back on an account I work on and he mentioned that almost first thing and we had a great conversation. The next two people walked in together due to wanting to make sure I got out before the traffic crunch happened. They were fantastic to talk to, and would be the people I'd have the most contact with in my day to day work if hired. Damn if it didn't feel perfect. I even had that post test "shit, what if I did something wrong that seemed right at the time but in hindsight I might've been wrong ohshitohshitohshit I hope I didn't mess it up" anxiety... in a good way. THAT was Monday.
AND NOW I WAIT. Because, although I am now pretty much looking actively, there isn't anything else popping up right now.
The one thing that prepping through all those psychological questions, in answering those questions in a thoughtful, genuine way so that I'd get authentic results for both my intent and for my representation of myself: I know, I KNOW that I definitely am no longer going to be happy staying in my current position and the sooner I get out of it and somewhere else (where the fit, culture, and pay is a better situation) the better. It really opened my eyes and got me thinking about MY bigger picture. What I want to do, where I want to go in my career. It made me realized how constricted and beat down I was by my current position, peer, supervisory team, manager, and senior management.
For example. Although I've been pushing to get more responsibility, to get out on site visits and in-person meetings with other lenders and customers, it wasn't until seven years in that it sorta happened. It wasn't until this year, yesterday in fact, that it really happened. One of the only other women there was one from another office of Company Three. She was really nice, and gave me a supportive smile (no, I don't know if she was told to meet me or see how I handled myself, but I did tell the last two of the interviewers that I'd be attending that meeting). The people from the companies closely associated with mine were all men, either much younger than me or much older. One paternalistic shit, immediately and unprompted, shortened my name to a diminutive (with a sound ending in 'ee') which enraged me much more than I'd realized at the time.
Up until being hired at my current position, I was always working in a male dominated field and treated as one of the guys with skills almost always exceeding those of my male colleagues. At this place, I was expected to ask to do things that I shouldn't need permission for. I had to deal with an increasingly passive aggressive manager. I was continually excluded from things, even after making the effort to volunteer for things that I was interested in. And now, I get to watch my relatively newly hired (male) peers getting personally mentored by multiple supervisors and upper management for my group.
On top of that, there is going to be a continually shifting sea of retirements and reassignments throughout the company, and there's a lot of change (stupid, irrelevant layers added on to processes and further pull back from the flexibility that I was originally hired with) in the air and being implemented in my group that is becoming one giant pain in my ass. And I STILL don't have any work-life balance, or feel like I can take the time to do a lot of things in my life that I want to.
And anxiety is a BITCH right now as I wait to hear, and wait to hear, and wait to hear. Anxiety tied to having to continually deal with the stupidity and stressors of working with this group of people. Don't get me wrong, some of them are good people... but they've underutilized me for so long and I'm so full of resentment over that and the FACT that I'm "losing" tens of thousands of dollars per year b/c they are severely underpaying me. After years and years of giving 110%, I am done. I can't even try to do that level of work for them anymore, b/c I have lost all respect for them b/c of their inability to value me and respect me. UGH. UGH. UGH. UGH.
So all I can do is subtly shift myself into a place, mentally, where I exist where I am until I am there no longer. I need to stay positive and not allow myself to appear desperate or needy as an applicant. Because I know that I need to appear as a strong candidate throughout the process in the eyes of any company. No one wants the needy, clingy, save me from my current situation person in the working world.
In the end. The fluctuations of anxiety (including a couple of anxiety attacks) have me worrying that I'm in danger of slipping into a depression (or hypomanic state as I'm not sure of what role anxiety plays in the bipolar mind) and I can't seem to connect with anyone at my doctor/therapist office. So I cope as I can, with deep breathing, and use of different meditation techniques (like sound therapy and aromatherapy) to get me through.
Company One: Been talking with them for three months. They're in a big (for them) expansion. It's taking a lot longer for them to get the higher priority (to them) positions filled and they are (rightly so) taking it very slow to make sure they are choosing the right people. Unfortunately, the position I'm applying for is nearly at the bottom of the priority list. In addition, they're handling the whole process for the entire expansion through a recruiting service. So, I had 2-3 phone interviews with the recruiter, then an in-person with the recruiter, then a month went by with radio silence. Then it was an in-person 4.5 hour serial set of interviews with six people at the company. That went extremely well and the person who would be my immediate supervisor wanted to just forego a second interview and start the ball rolling. Recruiter was really excited to hear this. Then: more radio silence. It's been about two weeks since that super awesome interview. At this point, I don't know if I should write them off as a closed door b/c I already did that once and then I got that in-person at the company. Slow, slow, slow moving (which is on par with the bureaucracy that they deal with in their processes, which makes the inner weirdo think that THIS IS PART OF THE INTERVIEW PROCESS) glacially paced procedure.
Company Two: Had applied to this position last year. Got a very flattering email saying that they had received my application just after they'd made their offer to another applicant. They had just had someone leave and I was the first person they thought of and wanted me to come in for an interview. Got in there at an inconvenient time for me. I was prepared... they were NOT. They expected to have me meet three people and only spend a 1/2 hour with each person. Not only that, they didn't allow for any flexibility with that schedule. So when I talked with the head of the department (who was as nervous as a new recruit at the initial introduction to a drill sergeant) for over an hour, all they could think of was double up with the last two and one of those was very aggressive with psychological questions after saying she would be just be introducing me to the benefits and so forth as the HR person as part of a wrap up... yeaaaaah. I didn't really feel like I clicked with any of them, or the culture. I stayed calm, cool, collected, and they all kept getting more nervous and restless. And when the aggressive one asked me the question about what I'd be expecting as a salary, I actually gave them something slightly lower than what I'd be offered by Company One and the shock of that distracted them from even getting to the explanation of their benefits. By that point they just wanted to hustle me out the door b/c it was waaaay after their bedtime.
Company Three: A much bigger fish, in a much bigger pond. I applied b/c the position sounded really great, and I knew that there would be exposure to new things and a career path (two things that are very much lacking where I am now). I wasn't sure if the culture would be a good fit. I'm sooooo glad I applied. The culture of this particular work group, in this particular location feels like an excellent fit. I over prepared b/c Glass Door was all like "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL QUESTIONS, ZOMG!!!!11!" and although this did me good for a variety of reasons, it wasn't how it went down at all. Like Company One, it was a very conversationally based interview. It was really nice. Although the first contact with the HR person was a little surreal (partly due to my having a splitting headache while going through it) the second HR contact was helpful and very nice, the person who met me as gatekeeper to the location was helpful and very nice, the four people I was scheduled to meet were amazingly nice, informative, and it felt great. It felt like I could work with these people on a daily basis easily. Big boss had hand picked me out of the group and tagged first HR guy to contact me; we spent much longer than scheduled talking. Second person had had contact with me from a few years back on an account I work on and he mentioned that almost first thing and we had a great conversation. The next two people walked in together due to wanting to make sure I got out before the traffic crunch happened. They were fantastic to talk to, and would be the people I'd have the most contact with in my day to day work if hired. Damn if it didn't feel perfect. I even had that post test "shit, what if I did something wrong that seemed right at the time but in hindsight I might've been wrong ohshitohshitohshit I hope I didn't mess it up" anxiety... in a good way. THAT was Monday.
AND NOW I WAIT. Because, although I am now pretty much looking actively, there isn't anything else popping up right now.
The one thing that prepping through all those psychological questions, in answering those questions in a thoughtful, genuine way so that I'd get authentic results for both my intent and for my representation of myself: I know, I KNOW that I definitely am no longer going to be happy staying in my current position and the sooner I get out of it and somewhere else (where the fit, culture, and pay is a better situation) the better. It really opened my eyes and got me thinking about MY bigger picture. What I want to do, where I want to go in my career. It made me realized how constricted and beat down I was by my current position, peer, supervisory team, manager, and senior management.
For example. Although I've been pushing to get more responsibility, to get out on site visits and in-person meetings with other lenders and customers, it wasn't until seven years in that it sorta happened. It wasn't until this year, yesterday in fact, that it really happened. One of the only other women there was one from another office of Company Three. She was really nice, and gave me a supportive smile (no, I don't know if she was told to meet me or see how I handled myself, but I did tell the last two of the interviewers that I'd be attending that meeting). The people from the companies closely associated with mine were all men, either much younger than me or much older. One paternalistic shit, immediately and unprompted, shortened my name to a diminutive (with a sound ending in 'ee') which enraged me much more than I'd realized at the time.
Up until being hired at my current position, I was always working in a male dominated field and treated as one of the guys with skills almost always exceeding those of my male colleagues. At this place, I was expected to ask to do things that I shouldn't need permission for. I had to deal with an increasingly passive aggressive manager. I was continually excluded from things, even after making the effort to volunteer for things that I was interested in. And now, I get to watch my relatively newly hired (male) peers getting personally mentored by multiple supervisors and upper management for my group.
On top of that, there is going to be a continually shifting sea of retirements and reassignments throughout the company, and there's a lot of change (stupid, irrelevant layers added on to processes and further pull back from the flexibility that I was originally hired with) in the air and being implemented in my group that is becoming one giant pain in my ass. And I STILL don't have any work-life balance, or feel like I can take the time to do a lot of things in my life that I want to.
And anxiety is a BITCH right now as I wait to hear, and wait to hear, and wait to hear. Anxiety tied to having to continually deal with the stupidity and stressors of working with this group of people. Don't get me wrong, some of them are good people... but they've underutilized me for so long and I'm so full of resentment over that and the FACT that I'm "losing" tens of thousands of dollars per year b/c they are severely underpaying me. After years and years of giving 110%, I am done. I can't even try to do that level of work for them anymore, b/c I have lost all respect for them b/c of their inability to value me and respect me. UGH. UGH. UGH. UGH.
So all I can do is subtly shift myself into a place, mentally, where I exist where I am until I am there no longer. I need to stay positive and not allow myself to appear desperate or needy as an applicant. Because I know that I need to appear as a strong candidate throughout the process in the eyes of any company. No one wants the needy, clingy, save me from my current situation person in the working world.
In the end. The fluctuations of anxiety (including a couple of anxiety attacks) have me worrying that I'm in danger of slipping into a depression (or hypomanic state as I'm not sure of what role anxiety plays in the bipolar mind) and I can't seem to connect with anyone at my doctor/therapist office. So I cope as I can, with deep breathing, and use of different meditation techniques (like sound therapy and aromatherapy) to get me through.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 02:06 am (UTC)