Mistaken Beliefs
Nov. 4th, 2016 06:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
semiotic_pirateHad a rough epiphany today.
To catch you all up on 10/12-10/13 I voluntarily admitted myself to inpatient care. Upon release I was recommended to participate in intensive outpatient treatment. In conjunction with this, on the same day of admission but before they knew about it, my employer had decided to fully agree to my reasonable accommodations and restructure my job duties.
So since Wednesday of last week I've been in the IOP program, since Tuesday of last week I was working mostly half days (M, T, W, F 4 hours; R 8 hours) concentrating on my restructured job duties. Both have acted to majorly reduce my stress / anxiety levels to manageable proportions.
The IOP program is three hours a day, four days a week... starts with a "check-in" round robin then break, then doing an activity led by the counselor. Usually guided by some type of worksheet.
Today's worksheet concentrated on Mistaken Beliefs that are embedded in our consciousness as Core Beliefs that drive thoughts that underpin self-esteem issues and many of the roots of the things that make us anxious or depressed. THAT worksheet... well, we've only gotten halfway through it and it's been so painful. Pretty much shit programming from Parent & Peers non-stop until I got to my final junior high school and high school. And the effect have been devastating from that point onward, even as I've tried to reprogram my brain and work through and get past it all.
After my son and husband died back in the mid-nineties, I had a period of navel-gazing where I thought I had dug down and worked through all of this shit. Obviously that wasn't the case, but I DID do a lot of good stuff. But I am realizing it was like Edmund having realized that he got turned into a dragon because of the bad motivations/thoughts. Like I had dug painfully at my dragon flesh but didn't dig deep and well enough the first time to the point where I've become fully enveloped again in that dragon flesh and skin. And now I've got to figure out how to do the deed, to rend and tear at those mistaken beliefs, at those unrealistic and damaging core beliefs that drive my multivariate vicious cycles of self-doubt, fear, and anxiety.
*starts sharpening my claws in preparation for what is to come*
To catch you all up on 10/12-10/13 I voluntarily admitted myself to inpatient care. Upon release I was recommended to participate in intensive outpatient treatment. In conjunction with this, on the same day of admission but before they knew about it, my employer had decided to fully agree to my reasonable accommodations and restructure my job duties.
So since Wednesday of last week I've been in the IOP program, since Tuesday of last week I was working mostly half days (M, T, W, F 4 hours; R 8 hours) concentrating on my restructured job duties. Both have acted to majorly reduce my stress / anxiety levels to manageable proportions.
The IOP program is three hours a day, four days a week... starts with a "check-in" round robin then break, then doing an activity led by the counselor. Usually guided by some type of worksheet.
Today's worksheet concentrated on Mistaken Beliefs that are embedded in our consciousness as Core Beliefs that drive thoughts that underpin self-esteem issues and many of the roots of the things that make us anxious or depressed. THAT worksheet... well, we've only gotten halfway through it and it's been so painful. Pretty much shit programming from Parent & Peers non-stop until I got to my final junior high school and high school. And the effect have been devastating from that point onward, even as I've tried to reprogram my brain and work through and get past it all.
After my son and husband died back in the mid-nineties, I had a period of navel-gazing where I thought I had dug down and worked through all of this shit. Obviously that wasn't the case, but I DID do a lot of good stuff. But I am realizing it was like Edmund having realized that he got turned into a dragon because of the bad motivations/thoughts. Like I had dug painfully at my dragon flesh but didn't dig deep and well enough the first time to the point where I've become fully enveloped again in that dragon flesh and skin. And now I've got to figure out how to do the deed, to rend and tear at those mistaken beliefs, at those unrealistic and damaging core beliefs that drive my multivariate vicious cycles of self-doubt, fear, and anxiety.
*starts sharpening my claws in preparation for what is to come*
