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Oct. 28th, 2015
Group Therapy & Checking In
Oct. 28th, 2015 06:34 pmToday I got a taste of what it's going to be like when I go back to work on 11/9. My last one-on-one with Alan included me making a promise to try going to Group. It's a group made of only women, each with a different grab-bag of problems that they are dealing with. Up until last night it was a nebulous obligation. This morning was okay, but as the day progressed I started getting really anxious. About three hours before the 4pm meeting time, my gut started roiling and I had what I recognized as happening nearly every Monday morning since I went back to work after the hysterectomy (until when I was officially on leave toward the end of September.) My colon was stuck in spasm mode and it turned into five trips to the bathroom as my system emptied itself out. The last visit happening forty minutes to meeting (ten minutes from my go time, when I had to leave to make it on time.)
I made it to the meeting. I didn't have to talk a lot this time. It was still difficult to bear whenever anyone's eyes turned in my direction the few times I spoke out with something that I thought would help someone else. Next time I'm going to be expected to talk a bit about myself at the beginning of Group. I'm scared but willing to participate. It was nice to be able to fully allow myself to be anxious in the social setting instead of pushing it down in order to function in a group work/social environment.
I'm upset that I'm again caught waiting for the gastroenterologist to get back to me about the results from my (hopefully) final round of tests. I've already called twice. Last time I had to call three times in two weeks and didn't hear back until the third week. I want to know the results before I go back to work so I don't have that hanging over my head - especially if it results in adding any other medications to the ones I'm already taking in case there is an interaction that messes with my already delicate seeming GI system.
I'm still having a hard time pulling out of the apathy that I wake up to every morning. I've sent an email over to HR to find out what follow-up paperwork they need Dr A to send them to give me the option to work 1/2 days for the month following 11/9. So I can push myself to go in, but so that I don't have to stay the whole day if I can't take dealing with everything.
It seems like such a chore whenever I have to be in any kind of social situation. Having to carefully go through all the things I've taught myself how to read the subtle cues that people use to indicate all the other stuff that they aren't just saying for one reason or another. Always wondering if I'm wearing the right thing, saying the right thing, using the right facial and body position cues, things I've been learning to do with other women since around junior high. It's so much more complicated dealing with women than it is with men.
It's not that I'm inhuman, that I don't have feelings or am unable to connect with people. It is just that I have difficulties in reading people, in seeing past the literal things they say and understanding the subtle undertones and overtones. If someone plainly states what they want/need or are thinking, then I can interact much more easily. I can interact without having to depend on my various filters in order to try and make out what is really meant.
There are three articles/essays that have become touchstones for me in the time since I've been out of work. Writing that has reinforced other things that I have read in the past or discussed with people online.
The Lost Girls, an article about how difficult it is to assess and diagnose women on the Autism Spectrum.
Everything Doesn't Happen For a Reason, an essay on grief and (among other things) how platitudes are so damaging.
Dealing with Bipolar Disorder, an essay by a friend of mine on Twitter that addresses how he has come to deal with the disorder.
Each of these three writings has helped me enormously - in addition to readings I've done about asexual orientation.
If I have the chance, I'll continue to write in this entry. But for now, dinner must be eaten.
*EDIT* I added a link to a site discussing asexual orientation to the prior penultimate paragraph. It really helped me to understand what makes sense to me.
I made it to the meeting. I didn't have to talk a lot this time. It was still difficult to bear whenever anyone's eyes turned in my direction the few times I spoke out with something that I thought would help someone else. Next time I'm going to be expected to talk a bit about myself at the beginning of Group. I'm scared but willing to participate. It was nice to be able to fully allow myself to be anxious in the social setting instead of pushing it down in order to function in a group work/social environment.
I'm upset that I'm again caught waiting for the gastroenterologist to get back to me about the results from my (hopefully) final round of tests. I've already called twice. Last time I had to call three times in two weeks and didn't hear back until the third week. I want to know the results before I go back to work so I don't have that hanging over my head - especially if it results in adding any other medications to the ones I'm already taking in case there is an interaction that messes with my already delicate seeming GI system.
I'm still having a hard time pulling out of the apathy that I wake up to every morning. I've sent an email over to HR to find out what follow-up paperwork they need Dr A to send them to give me the option to work 1/2 days for the month following 11/9. So I can push myself to go in, but so that I don't have to stay the whole day if I can't take dealing with everything.
It seems like such a chore whenever I have to be in any kind of social situation. Having to carefully go through all the things I've taught myself how to read the subtle cues that people use to indicate all the other stuff that they aren't just saying for one reason or another. Always wondering if I'm wearing the right thing, saying the right thing, using the right facial and body position cues, things I've been learning to do with other women since around junior high. It's so much more complicated dealing with women than it is with men.
It's not that I'm inhuman, that I don't have feelings or am unable to connect with people. It is just that I have difficulties in reading people, in seeing past the literal things they say and understanding the subtle undertones and overtones. If someone plainly states what they want/need or are thinking, then I can interact much more easily. I can interact without having to depend on my various filters in order to try and make out what is really meant.
There are three articles/essays that have become touchstones for me in the time since I've been out of work. Writing that has reinforced other things that I have read in the past or discussed with people online.
The Lost Girls, an article about how difficult it is to assess and diagnose women on the Autism Spectrum.
Everything Doesn't Happen For a Reason, an essay on grief and (among other things) how platitudes are so damaging.
Dealing with Bipolar Disorder, an essay by a friend of mine on Twitter that addresses how he has come to deal with the disorder.
Each of these three writings has helped me enormously - in addition to readings I've done about asexual orientation.
If I have the chance, I'll continue to write in this entry. But for now, dinner must be eaten.
*EDIT* I added a link to a site discussing asexual orientation to the prior penultimate paragraph. It really helped me to understand what makes sense to me.
